I think a lot about the pressures my dad must have felt when
we were little kids. Think about the
pressures that men from his generation faced.
He had one job and that was to provide for his family. But, even more devastating is not what he was
required to do but what he was forbidden from doing. Ridiculous emotional restrictions are placed
on men due to gender stereotypes.
Despite the fact that I do not remember it, I know that my
dad wrestled on the floor with me when I was a toddler. And, while my family never won the
touchy-feely family-of-the-year award, I know this meant he loved me. But I
don’t remember it. And since that wrestling stopped decades ago, today we don’t
have a wrestle-on-the-floor relationship.
I don’t want to call him as much because I don’t remember
wrestling with him as a toddler. I don’t
remember anything from being a toddler, and, yet, I want to hold this against
him. Grant is the spitting image of me.
So how could anyone not want to wrestle with this kid? And how could he stop
wrestling with me, If the question doesn't stretch the question too much? And
what if he had the freedom to cry and love and be emotional instead of forcing
all that affection into wrestling? I
make a concentrated effort to be physically affectionate with the boys, but
still do not to share my emotions concerning other areas of my life.
If I had to guess, I would say Grant has seen his mother cry
no fewer than 10 times. He has seen his
father cry maybe once but probably never.
If ever he was awake at 10 pm on a Tuesday, than he would see his mother
cry at every episode of Parenthood. If
he paid very close attention — more attention than a three-year-old can muster
— than he would see his father choke up and get “emotional.”
Tracey will tell you, hell she told me, that she is not a
crier. I really want to believe
her. Alas, I know different. That is
probably because I only knew non-mom Tracey for about eight months after we
were married. After all, when I proposed
to Tracey, I said “Hey, let’s make babies.”
She pointed out that we should get married first. Details. Details
I absolutely believe I was put on this planet to be a
stay-at-home dad. Yet, I struggle to
find the emotional capacity to do so.
When I tell people what I do I receive two very specific responses, both
driven by gender. Men tell me I am
living the dream, how nice it must be to have a women take care of me, and how
jealous they are. Women tell me I am living
the dream, how nice it must be to get rid of the guilt of working, and how
jealous they are of me.
My wife doesn't take care of me, and I never felt any guilt
from working. My job as the father is to show them how to be men and that
includes letting them know its okay to have and share emotions. If I were so lucky to have a little girl, it
would be to show her how to be a woman. Does
that include teaching her to control her emotions? That doesn't change because I don’t have a
full time job.
I appreciate that I am able to cry at Parenthood. It’s a
freedom my dad didn't have. Hopefully, my boys will be able to move even
further away from restrictive and unrealistic expectations of manhood. I had no
idea how much love I had to give until I had the boys. Before the boys, Tracey
would joke that I had only three emotions, hungry, sleepy, and horny. Having the boys has helped me to love and
appreciate Tracey even more. And I have to wonder if gender expectations seem
suffocating to me, as a male, how much more damaging must they be for women,
who experience an even heavier policing from society? What do people say to her, when she says she
has a house husband? (Her term not mine)
The truth is I feel sorry for my dad. I don’t think it’s fair I felt constrained
from hugging him as I got older. I think
if you look at his grand-kids it is clear he did a fantastic job. The problems we have with our parents are
nothing more than our own personal insecurities. Even if your dad wasn't even physically
there, I can assure you that he loved you as a toddler, and he loves you as an
adult.
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