Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I Love Condoleezza Rice

I’m attracted to Condoleezza Rice.

My wife need not worry, because I am pretty sure she is out of my league.  Not to say that I couldn't, but given my current state of bliss with my own wife, I’d rather not try.  I’m certain any man reading this already gets it, but for the women let me give you a brief summary of her hotness.

-       At age 19, Rice awarded a B.A., cum laude, in political science by the University of Denver
-       In 1981, at the age of 26, she received her Ph.D. in political science from the University of Denver. Her dissertation centered on military policy and politics in what was then the communist state of Czechoslovakia.
-       Her ultimate career goal is to become the Commissioner of the NFL.

It’s not just that she is crazy smart, and rest assured she could match wits with any idiot reading this, but she is also driven, strong, assertive, passionate and confident, not at all unlike my wife.

As parents we are always dreaming of the person we will raise.  If I didn't think I could help someone do it better, I wouldn't have been so driven to have children.  Condoleezza is the type of women I envision my wife and I raising.

Yep, we’re having a girl!  We (my wife) is 20 weeks along and halfway there.

I couldn't be more excited.  When Glenn was born I was terrified of having a girl.  I thought there was no way I would be able to manage to raise a happy, strong, healthy woman.  With a boy, at least I understood what it meant to be a man, even if I failed to meet those expectations, either by choice or situation. 

Already I can see it is going to be an uphill battle. I’m glad to be a dude.  As long as we perform some basic acts of physicality and attribute, society will leave us alone.  Sure, as we grow into men, either our success or failure will be picked at.  Yet, for better or worse your emotional development is left to yourself.

There is just so much more societal pressure put on little girls.  Before Glenn was born no one ever asked me if I was nervous to have a boy.  Yet, in 20 short weeks I’ve already heard things I never heard with either of the boys.

1.       Are you nervous? 
-       Yeah you’re damn right I am.  Do you know why?  This isn’t my first dance, I know what a 2 month old is like, and I despise it.  What this statement really means says, ‘Are you nervous…because you know your baby is going to become sexual active…right?’  No one gives two shits about teenage boys, because the assumption is the worst they will do is break shit or create problems (read as babies) for somebody else.  I am more nervous about my boys getting a girl pregnant, than I am about leading through example for my daughter. 

2.       Princess
-       Seriously, Shut the F up.  Do not call my girl a princess.  I will punch you in the face.  There is so much about her that you can’t possibly understand by looking at her.  If this is how you judge people, I need you to step away.  I’m not joking, I’m going to hit you.

3.       She will have you wrapped around your finger
-       Come on.  This one probably makes me the angriest.  She does not have special powers.  This sexiest statement is wrapped in a context of sweetness.  Do you know why people say it?  Because without a man’s hand she wouldn't be worth much.  Women are good once they are wrapped around a man’s finger (marriage) and so they are assumed to be better at it.

4.       Did you know there was a color war?
-       Who knew?  With boys it’s never in your face, like it is with girls.  Glenn’s favorite colors have included blue, red, green, and orange.  Even before she has gotten here, it is clear that pink is going to play a large role.  Instead I’m just going to hang a sign around her neck.

5.       Are you guys finished?
-       “Aww how perfect for you.  Now that you get a girl are ya’ll done?”  This…This alone do I love.  Your damn right we are done.  Not only can I finally see the end of toddlerhood, in the close enough future, but Jesus Christ am I one lucky SOB.  Amazing wife, amazing boys, and amazing girl.  I don’t know what previous Craig did in his past life, but THANK YOU previous Craig.

Make no mistake about it folks.  There is a wrecking ball coming, and I am not prepared.  I will struggle her whole life to contain her, but it will have very little to do with her lack of penis. 

Go ahead and underestimate her, that’s what she wants you to do.  Like my wife and Condolezza before her, there is nothing these women can’t do, once their mind is made up.  

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