Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Keeping Score

Football season is upon us, and everyone should rejoice. 
Anyone who knows me, knows how much I enjoy sports in general, and fantasy football in particular.  No, I am not going to make you sit and read about my pretend football team.  Just know I’m great at pretend games. There is only one downside to playing fantasy football, and that is draft day.

 Tammi hates it. 
Every year, there is an argument over how I spend my time.  In her defense, I do spend more than an appropriate amount of time on the computer during football season.  I argue that greatness is something we must prepare for, but she doesn’t get it.  Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose the fight, but, ultimately, even when I win, I lose.  So without further ado, some of my favorite fantasy football draft day fights.

About three weeks before draft day, I’ll spend my time running “mock drafts.” I learn what players I like, and where they are going.  Really, 85% of this is completed while Tammi is either working or asleep.  She would never know I do mock drafts, except that I am usually skirting other responsibilities in order to complete them.  As she put is once, “So you didn’t do the dishes because you were playing a pretend version of your pretend game.”
As draft day approaches, I try to give her reminders.  “Tammi, from 7 to 9 p.m. Sunday, I will only be available if the house is on fire.  Otherwise leave me alone.”

So, as our first draft day approached, (we did not have kids yet) I felt confident she understood the ground rules.  An hour before the draft actually starts, I learn my draft position and begin game planning.  Tammi is in the other room watching TV, and I can feel her frustration growing.  I am on and off the phone with friends and generally ignoring her completely.  When I hear the bath water running, my first thought is positive. Great, she is taking a nice, relaxing bath.  Then, I see her take Bacchus into the bathroom.  Bacchus (RIP) was my pit bull who weighed 40 lbs of complete muscle.  When scared, I could barely contain him.  Although very small by pit bull standards, he was very, very strong.  I hear her try to get him into the bath, struggle to keep in the bath, and a steady stream of vulgarity that Tammi excels at spewing.  With about ten minutes till the draft, Tammi comes out of the bath.  She is soaking wet head to toe and obviously upset.
“Aren’t you going to help me, give your dog a bath?”

Equally frustrated, I share my displeasure, walk into the bathroom, grab Bacchus by the collar and let him outside.  “There. Bath time is over.”
 Draft day fights Craig 0 – Tammi 1

The following year, the draft is inconveniently set for an hour before Glenn would go to bed.  Once again, the draft position comes out an hour before, and I begin setting my draft strategy.  While I am talking on the phone and drinking, I hear Tammi going through Glenn’s bedtime routine.  First dinner, than bath, then some cartoon time, followed by a story and bed.  By the time he is laid down, the draft is almost half over.  Tammi, with her typical draft-day face, comes out and lets me know what for.
“Next year you’ll schedule the draft for after Glenn’s bedtime…Jesus Christ Craig.”

“Absolutely,” I say. “We would have done so this year, but one of the teams is in out of the country, fighting for your freedom. I’ll make sure to let him know how important it is we wait until after bedtime.”
 Craig 1 – Tammi 1

This year, I am finally back in Texas, and, although we didn’t have time to set up a live draft, we will be doing that next year.  I can only imagine what she will say then.  Tammi came home from work while I was still drafting and started huffing and puffing.  After the draft was over, I let her know I was going over to my sister’s house.  When she asked why, I told her it was either that or I sit on the phone with my friends.  About thirty minutes after I was there, I got a text from her.  “When did you start enjoying hanging out with others more than me?”
Come on Tammi, really, your not even going to start with a warning shot.  Just take out a knife and go for the heart.  I gotta go guys.

Craig 1- Tammi 2

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